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Cydny

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Whats new you ask? [Jan. 26th, 2004|11:31 am]
Cydny
So things are good. For now. Hoping to get better. Well I am sure I will feel like shit again, but now its ok. He told the girl about me and that we were trying to work it out, he admitted that he really would like to see us work this out, he drove me to work this morning and was just generaly pleasant all around. I hope things stay this way for a long long time and don't ever get bad again. I really actually feel like I can believe that he did tell her and wasn't just trying to apease me. I still move out Sunday, not sure if I am looking forward to that or not. I have a vision of how things shouldgo and maybe with luck they actually will. Classes were canceled. But tomorrow I am off to start the school thing yet again. Farewell to all for now.
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(no subject) [Jan. 21st, 2004|05:07 pm]
Cydny
wanting to hold you,
wanting you near,
oh how I wanted you here.

so now I stab myself with really bad songs
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(no subject) [Jan. 21st, 2004|05:03 pm]
Cydny
I feel so hopeless and hungry right now that I think I might faint. I have only eaten a Mr. Goodbar and a tiny Mr. Goodbar today. And I drank a soda. I have Journey in my head which sucks and makes matters far worse. Work will end in two hours if I can survive it. And then I'll go get Matt and who knows what will happen from there. Maybe I will be able to pretend like things are fine, maybe he will be different and loving, most likely we will break up but I am expecting it so maybe I will be better prepared. I'm dreading tonite, but anxious for it anyway. I think things will be fine. I don't have anything else to write.
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(no subject) [Jan. 20th, 2004|11:45 am]
Cydny
So there have been a good past few days. I can't remember being particularly upset at all, but here it is again. The dull pain that moves from my chest to my stomach to my head to my eyes. I can't help but feel quite unhappy. I don't think theres enough emotion in this situation. As if everything is forgiven and we should all move on, which I guess we should and I guess we are. But he spent so much time telling me that that was my house too, and making promises like he would never cheat, and then this. Now I am moving and he has cheated and I can't help but feel like he is just biding his time until its all over. Maybe that isn't a good way to feel, maybe he hasn't done anything to make me feel like that, maybe he really is trying. But I can't help it. I want to cry and scream and I want him to beg and make things right. I don't want to move, and then I do. I just want a sense of security again. I want to know that I am loved and leaving me is farthest thing from his mind, but sometimes I don't believe that at all. How do I ask that? I have asked a hundred times and if he isn't telling the truth why would he suddenly start at a hundred and one or two or three. This is all so hard, wandering through the cold searching for apartments, places to go, things to do that take my mind off the moving pain, work. I want to go home and go to bed and not feel like I am loosing everything I thought I had, but not loosing anything at all. I want to trust him when he tells me that he just needs space and wants to start over and still loves me. I want to stop being afraid that he is interestead in a girl at work or the girl in Michigan, or still talking to her, or planning things he isn't telling me.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2004|12:05 pm]
Cydny
Ok well this will do for now.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2004|12:01 pm]
Cydny
I got sick of the grey and black so I changed it, but I wanted more green and I don't like the white background. Oh well, maybe I will fingure it out later.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2004|12:01 pm]
Cydny
I got sick of the grey and black so I changed it, but I wanted more green and I don't like the white background. Oh well, maube I will fingure it out later.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2004|11:45 am]
Cydny
Cydny is not having a bad day today which is odd. With any luck I will be able to do something tonite. I may not be able to do exactly what I want to but whatever, it's all good. I will survive.
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2004|01:12 pm]
Cydny
ok so I guess all I can do is leave. he wants space so badly then he can have it. It isn't what I want but niether is the situation.
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2004|12:41 pm]
Cydny
I guess its time for an update.

we say we're gonna work it out, and then we say we want to break up, and then he says he wants to break up and get back together later. and then we cry and we tell eachother we love eachother and nothing ever feels any better at all.

then we fight.

then we make up.

then i feel like i have to move and let it go and we will be happy.

then I rememeber.

he went away and while he was gone because he was unhappy with me he cheated on me. and then he came back and he called her and he refuses not to speak to her anymore. and i just want to be held and told i am the only important thing in the world, but he wants his space and he wants to get away from me and he is making me move out. But I don't want to move. I want to have space and time to think and everything that he does but I want to have it and live together in my house. The house that i dreamed about and planned on. The house he told me I owned and he tells me I have to leave. I can only loose so much. Why does he take everything back now? Why does he keep saying that he wants the time apart to start now? Why can't we be living in the house and trying to put the pieces back together together? Why do I have to be so cold and alone all the time?
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